Today was a good day. Since I landed in LA, I’ve been oversleeping a lot, which makes me feel really irritable, fearful, groggy and gives me a headache. When I tell people about this, it seems like they don’t really get it. It makes me feel not like myself, and it makes me want to hide. The second night I was here I ran into an old friend in a meeting and ended up going out to dinner with everyone. The third night, Ari took me to dinner and to see Alabama Shakes at the Greek! Totally insane, right? Then, the next day I went to look at a place that was killer and right in the neighborhood I wanted!
Everything’s going so good, right? Well, on the outside it was, but I was dealing with a lot of discomfort and fear that people don’t really see, because of the (probably not-so-simple) fact that I’ve been oversleeping (and smoking cigs). I can know intellectually that I’m super blessed and lucky and should be having the time of my life, but it doesn’t change a thing about the way I felt for the last 3 days — increasingly irritable and afraid and not productive. I hadn’t put any real work into finding a job or an apartment, and I felt uncomfortable around these new people even though they were super nice.
Then today I woke up at 6:30am. I made breakfast, looked up some tips on work productivity, turned my phone off, used an app to block social media and some other common distraction websites for 8 hours, made a list on a piece of paper and pinned it to the wall, and scheduled myself for eight hours of work on my resume and apartment searching, with an hour lunch and two 15 minute breaks.
Somehow, I pulled it off. I totally re-wrote my resume from scratch and reformatted it. Plus I got the word that I had secured the sublet I wanted. I would have never stood a chance if I hadn’t gotten up on time and turned off my phone and blocked those websites, and sat down with intention. Where does that willingness come from? I have no fucking idea. I knew days ago that I was falling into my pattern of sleeping a lot and being depressed and that I wanted to break the cycle, but yesterday I slept later than ever. Why did it finally snap into place today? Who knows. But the point, for now, is that what matters to me is not how good things are going on the outside (although that is nice!), but how I feel on the inside because of the measures I take to take care of myself and stay disciplined.