After avoiding looking for work for a week and really suffering, I had to really reflect on what is it that makes me avoid looking for the job. I wanted to share this so that I can a) say it to the world and b) somebody might relate and it might help them.
- ADD (or whatever you want to call it): when i try to tackle the task, my brain literally hurts from going in circles: yeah, i have this list of places to apply to, but which ones are the most important? Which ones do I need cover letters for? Which ones could i stand to work at? ...which leads to the next point:
- Ego: i don’t want to feel subservient, i don’t want to show up and put on a good face for someone that doesn’t really care about me and is going to exploit me and not listen to me. Which comes from...
- A feeling of humiliation at jobs in the past. Because i feel so oversensitive and because I can’t focus or keep things in my mind and because i won’t know how to handle a situation and i won’t want to stand up and say “i don’t know how to do this,” or more to the point, I won’t want to do the wrong thing. Some jobs, put you in a position where there systematically isn’t a good way to do something, like find a good time to clear a table, without being assertive and organized -- the two things that I have the hardest time with.
- Basically my oversensitivity makes me feel like an idiot and i want to avoid that.
I've been this way -- oversensitive and distracted and anxious and insecure (and smart and compassionate and creative) -- my whole life, and I learned early on to cope by a) taking my ball and going home and b) feeling superior through my creativity and my awareness: being oversensitive gives you a lot more information about the world around you, although it can be TOO much. You can get so caught up in the precise quality of a particular experience that you can't really operate in real-time. ADD is like that -- it's not that you're unattentive, it's that you're TOO attentive -- you constantly need another new thing to focus on. So I slip into my train of thought and start staring out the window.
It gets easy to resent people when your'e on this wavelength: it became obvious sometime around high school that most people were not as concerned with the truth as they were with fitting-in. People would go along with something wether they had any idea whether it was true or not, and people would basically act like the system worked when it clearly didn't. Fuck going along with that - that's what I thought(/think).
But this trip to LA has been a big eye-opener, because everything is so new and I feel so dumb for not getting a job and not quantum-leaping to where I want to be, that I have to face the raw fact of how stupid I feel a lot of the time. It's actually an amazing experience because I'm able to open up to people caring for me -- my internship folks being kind to me after losing a job interview, my friend talking to me about the power of "seeing" others and realizing they're going through their own shit. At the same time, it's really hard most of the time. But I'm still here, trying, and hopefully this stuff reaches someone and reminds them that it's okay to be sensitive -- and human.